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TITLE: Clearing the Air
AUTHOR: JagPixie
EMAIL: Pixie4@xxxxxxx.xxx
RATING: 13 (Adult Language)
CLASSIFICATION: Story, R/A
SPOILERS: A Tangled Webb (Parts 1 and 2), Shifting Sands
DISCLAIMERS: Don’t own them. Never have, never will, and to be honest, wouldn’t want to. Harm and Mac just cause too much stress. I prefer the part of benevolent friend, borrowing them for the good stuff, but letting the real writers have them for the rest.
FEEDBACK: Well, this is officially my second published fanfic. I didn’t get any feedback on the first, and I took that to mean you didn’t hate it, so you’re stuck with another one. I’d love to have feedback if you feel so inclined, but this is just for fun so…no pressure.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: AN: My deepest gratitude to my beta reader, without whom I never would have had the courage to try this again. Thanks, Captain.
SUMMARY: When I watched Shifting Sands, and heard the knock at the door after that wonderful guitar scene, I expected it to be Mac. When it wasn’t, I wanted to scream. I decided to rewrite the rest of the scene Here’s how it went.
The knock at the door startled Harm out of his reverie. He stopped playing and looked up.
“It’s open,” he called.
He started to stand up to greet his guest, but stopped when he saw who it was, dropping back to the chair in irritation.
“Come to rub salt in the wound?” he asked her.
She didn’t answer, closing the door behind her and coming to stand across from him. Harm said nothing, picking up his guitar and strumming a few experimental chords while he waited for her to speak. He was still furious with her for her behavior over the past week, and he’d be damned if he’d play the gracious host right now.
“So what now?” she asked, finally sitting down in the chair across from him.
“What do you care?” he asked bitterly, setting his guitar down and getting up to get a drink. He didn’t bother offering one to Mac, hoping that she would realize she was unwanted and would leave that much sooner.
“I care,” she said softly.
Harm glanced at her in disbelief. “After what you said to me in front of that hotel?” He snorted, “You’ll excuse me if I don’t believe you.”
“Look, I’m sorry, ok? Wrong time. Wrong place. I never should have said what I did.”
“Are you trying to tell me you didn’t mean it?”
“No,” she answered, “I meant it. I still do. There’s no way we could ever be together. I just shouldn’t have said it at that time and in that place. It was unfair of me.”
“You’d better believe it was unfair,” he said, “I gave up everything. Everything in my life that had meaning, and risked my life to go down there after you. And you couldn’t even be bothered to say a simple thank-you.” He glared at her. “You sniped at me the entire time we were there, chased after Webb like some kind of bitch in heat…” The sound of her slap echoed in the still apartment, and for a minute, he just stared at her before turning on his heel and stepping to the door. He opened it and turned to her angrily.
“I think you’d better leave,” he said quietly. She didn’t move.
“How dare you,” she said. “What right do you have to even think about saying those things to me?”
Harm closed the door, looking at her sadly. “I used to think our friendship could survive our honesty,” he said. “Apparently that’s not true anymore.”
That stopped her. She had no idea how to respond and her discomfort showed clearly in her eyes. “What do you want me to say?” she asked, “Do you expect me to fall to my knees in gratitude because you came down there? I didn’t ask you to come. Hell, the admiral ordered you not to go. You did this one all on your own, flyboy. You resigned your commission. You flew all the way down there to hunt me down in the middle of the Chaco Boreal. I didn’t ask you to do it, and I would have been fine if you had followed orders. I didn’t need rescuing.” She paused for breath. “And at least then you would still have your job.”
“Maybe,” he said, “but then you just might be dead, too.”
“You sure have a high opinion of yourself, don’t you?” she threw at him. “You think everything depends on you, and without you the world would simply stop turning on its axis.”
Harm shook his head in disbelief “Are you crazy? When I forced my way into that room, that guy had you strapped to a table and was about to start torturing you. If I hadn’t come, what do you think would have happened next?”
“I would have handled it,” Mac answered firmly. Harm’s response was a snort as he wheeled away from her.
“That’s the Mac we all know and love,” he said “Invincible Mac.” He shook his head as he sat down again. She glared at him, but he ignored her and continued.
“You’ve never been through it before, Mac. I have.” He looked at her earnestly, “Maybe not that specific brand of torture, but you know I’ve been there. They would have broken you, Mac. Maybe not right away, but it would have happened. And afterwards, they would have killed you. Did you really think I would just leave you there and let that happen?”
“It’s what you should have done,” she responded, determined to make him see her point. “Your career means everything to you. Everybody knows that. You’ve invested all of yourself in it, heart and soul. Yet, you gave it all up to fly down there and rescue me. It just doesn’t make sense!”
“It makes sense to me,” he answered softly, “and in the end, that’s all that should really matter. It’s my life. My career. My choice.” He paused, waiting to make sure he had her full attention before he continued. “You asked me once what I would be willing to give up for you. Do you remember? Well, now you know.”
Mac jumped up and started pacing. “No way,” she said, “There’s no way you’re pinning responsibility for this on me.”
“I’m not ‘pinning responsibility’,” he insisted, “I’m merely pointing out the facts.”
It was Mac’s turn to snort. “Facts?” she said incredulously, “When I asked you that question, I was referring to Renee. I would never ask you to give up your career for me, and you know it.”
“Yes, I do know that,” he answered, “but it turned out that my career was the price I had to pay. I paid it willingly, and I’d do it again.” He continued to watch her steadily.
“Even after seeing me with Webb?” she asked.
Harm flinched at that. Why did she have to bring up Webb’s name? They were getting somewhere for a minute, and then Mac had to go and throw that name out there like some kind of gauntlet. He turned away from her and picked up his guitar again. He didn’t want to talk about Webb. Just thinking about the man infuriated Harm. Mac’s last question hung in the air between them as he put the guitar in its case. It took on a life of its own, hanging there suspended like some sort of primordial beast. It was big, and ugly, and full of bitter regrets.
Finally, Mac moved closer and touched his arm, but he flinched and pulled away from her, going to put his guitar away in the closet.
“Do you really hate him that much?” she asked, watching him close the closet door with just a touch too much force.
“Hate him?” he bit out, “What reason could I possibly have for hating him?” He glared at her. “Every time Webb gets near us, there’s trouble. In the past, it’s always been stuff that I could understand or excuse. Hell, I tend to find more than my share of trouble myself. I can’t let it go this time, though. This time he went too far.” Harm went to the refrigerator and started pulling things out, needing something to do with his hands and realizing that he hadn’t eaten since early that morning. He put the food on the counter and started filling a pot with water for pasta. As he set it on the stovetop and turned on the heat he glanced at Mac. She was sitting on one of the barstools now, watching him as he moved about the kitchen.
“He went too far ‘this time’?” she asked, “How is this time any different from the dozens of other times we’ve worked with him?”
“It’s different,” answered Harm, “because this time he almost got himself killed. And what’s worse, he almost got you killed along with him. I can’t excuse that, Mac. I couldn’t care less how badly that man screws up his own life. It’s his life to screw up. But he dragged you into it, and almost got you killed, and I can’t forgive that.” He looked at her. God she was beautiful, and he wanted desperately to put things right between them, but he wasn’t sure if he knew how.
Mac watched as he took out a cutting board and began dicing onions. Before she could say anything else, the phone rang. Harm wiped his hands on a towel before picking it up. As she listened unabashedly to his side of the conversation, she wondered what was going on? Who wanted to see him on Friday morning, and why?
“What was that all about?” she asked when he hung up. He had an odd look on his face.
“CIA,” he answered, “Deputy director wants to see me.”
“What?” she asked, “Why?”
“I don’t know,” Harm answered, going back to dicing his onion.
“Do you think they’re going to offer you a job?” she asked, not sure she liked the idea.
“No idea,” he answered, “but I’d be willing to consider it if they do. I’ve got to make a living somehow, and since I’m no longer wanted at JAG...” He trailed off, shoulders slumping as he scooped the onions into a pan and began to sauté them.
Mac came around the counter and put a hand on his arm, causing him to look at her with a question in his eyes.
“He’ll take you back, Harm.” She said, “He’s just mad at you. He’ll get over it. You just have to give him some time.”
Harm snorted, “Yeah, and I’ve got all the time in the world, now. Forget it, Mac. I’m moving on. You said in Paraguay that you like a guy who states his intentions and follows through. Well, that’s what I’m doing. I’m moving on. I’ll start fresh, maybe with a job at the CIA. I’ll let go of any dreams I may have harbored about us since you so graciously made it clear that “we” were never going to happen... Hell, maybe I’ll even get a new apartment.” He added some vegetables to the sizzling onion and turned to get some pasta from the cabinet.
“You can’t mean that,” she said softly. “You’ve worked so hard, for so long...”
“Yeah, and look what it got me.” He added the pasta to the boiling water and set the timer. “I’m out of a job, my best friend has basically told me to get lost...”
“Sturgis?” she said in surprise, “Why…?”
“No…. you,” he answered, stirring the vegetables and adding some spices.
“I did not!” she answered, ignoring the fact that he had just called her his best friend.
“Oh no? Then what would you call the way you treated me down there?” He glared at her. “Is that the way you treat a friend? Because it’s not the way I learned it.” He yanked a colander out of the cabinet, setting it in the sink and draining the cooked pasta.
“You misunderstood all of it, didn’t you.” She answered quietly.
“Misunderstood? What was there to misunderstand?” He pulled two plates out of the cabinet and began to dish up the pasta. “You were pretty damn clear the way I recall it.”
“Harm, you don’t understand.”
“Explain it to me. Please.” He moved to put the plates on the table, adding silverware and cloth napkins as he talked. He went back to the kitchen for glasses and a pitcher of ice water, brushing past her and trying to ignore the shiver of awareness that coursed through him as he did. Mac sat down at the table, automatically placing her napkin in her lap.
“He needed me,” she said simply. Harm snorted again.
“Yeah, I know, and that’s all it takes for you to fall in love.”
“I’m not in love with him.”
“You’re not? You could have fooled me. I saw the way you kissed him. I saw the way you acted with him in Paraguay, and I stood there and watched you while you two shared your little private chat in the hospital today. It sure looked like love to me.”
“It wasn’t, though.” She took a bite of her pasta and savored it. Harm was a wonderful cook. “Look, I care for Clay. We went through a lot together down there, but I don’t love him. I don’t trust him enough to love him.” She took a sip of water, and looked at him earnestly. “When we were down there, I asked you what you wanted from me, and you said something about operating instructions. Do you remember that?”
Harm nodded as he reached for the Parmesan cheese and sprinkled it on his pasta.
“O.K. If you think back, you’ll remember that I said that my needs are really very simple.”
“Yeah, so...?”
Mac set her fork down, and waited until she had Harm’s full attention. It didn’t take long.
“All I need is somebody who has the courage to tell me what he wants.”
“That’s simple?” Harm said in disbelief. “I’ve done everything but take out an ad in the Navy Times!”
“But you’ve never said the words…” Mac replied, still watching him steadily. “I need to hear the words.”
“You haven’t exactly been forthcoming yourself, you know,” he said wryly. Mac had the grace to look abashed at that.
“I can’t.” she said softly. “If I said it first, I’d always wonder if you’d said it because you meant it or because you didn’t want to hurt me.”
“Well, then, I guess you were right,” said Harm, “We never will be able to work things out between us.” Their simple meal finished, he took their plates to the kitchen and began to clean up. If, after all the years they had been friends, and all that they had been through together, they still couldn’t say such simple words to each other, it really was time to move on. He opened the dishwasher and began to load their plates. Her soft touch on his arm stopped him, and he looked at her inquiringly. Time seemed to freeze for a moment as their eyes locked. Mac took a deep breath.
“I want you,” she finally said. The words were so soft that Harm had to strain to hear them. Without taking his eyes off her, he reached behind him and turned off the water. He carefully set the plate he was holding on the counter, and dried his hands on a towel before finally facing her again.
“What did you say?” he asked. Mac swallowed nervously.
“You said that I’d never told you what I wanted.” She lifted her chin, every inch the fighting marine Harm knew and loved. She was taking a big risk, and she was terrified, but she wasn’t about to let him know it. Seeing this, Harm was proud of her. He loved her even more for it, but he wasn’t about to make this easy on her. Because of her, his life had been a living hell for the past week. And, though he knew he was being cruel, he had a need to make her work for this. He nodded at her, but didn’t reach out to her. Not yet. It was still too soon.
“I want you,” she said more firmly, and then “No. That’s not the right word.” She paused, searching for a better way to express her muddled thoughts. Harm desperately wanted to reach out to her. He wanted to take her in his arms and never let her go, but he knew he had to wait. He had to let Mac figure this out now. If he didn’t, they’d never be able to move ahead. Finally, she spoke,
“It’s not a want, really. It’s more that I need you. I need you there to celebrate with me when something goes well. I need to know that you’re there when I fall. I need….my other half.” She shrugged and began to back away from him, but Harm caught her shoulders and didn’t let her get away. Looking at him, she somehow found the courage to go on. “We’ve been partners and friends for so long, and I think you know me better than anyone. To be honest, that frightens me, and sometimes that fear makes me push you away. Hell, I have pushed you away. Many times. And each time I’ve done it, I’ve wished you would fight back. But you never did.” She looked at him. “Why?”
Harm looked at her incredulously. Women were so damned confusing sometimes. If she hadn’t wanted him to back off, why had she pushed in the first place?
“I didn’t fight back because I didn’t know you wanted me to.” He answered. “There’s an old saying. Perhaps you’ve heard it. It goes like this. ‘If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it does not, it never was.’” He took her hands in his, rubbing a thumb gently across the back of one of them.Her skin was so unbelievably soft.
“So you see, I had to let you go. I had to see if you would come back to me.”
Suddenly, Mac was in his arms. She wasn’t quite sure how she got there. She only knew how completely right it felt. It was like coming home. His arms closed tightly about her, and she snuggled into his chest, breathing in the warm male scent that was so distinctly Harm. After a long time, she looked up.
“I’m back,” she said, “And this time, I plan on staying.”
The End.
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